[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
You Might Also Like
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Don’t snitch tag.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
LOL!
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?