TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
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The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.