[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
You Might Also Like
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid