A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
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Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
WTF
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Sign of the day..
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately