Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
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I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART