The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
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WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
What
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’