My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
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Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar