“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
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If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.