Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
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I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Still cracks me up
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
My love language is deader than Latin