Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
You Might Also Like
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
beware of dog
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?