Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
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My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.