teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
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Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying