“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
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My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Call your teenage daughter by the dog鈥檚 name one time and she doesn鈥檛 talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it鈥檚 clean.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
I鈥檓 never sure what to do with my eyes when I鈥檓 at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 馃グ
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You鈥檙e in contempt.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that鈥檚 why i keep my mouth shut.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don鈥檛 mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Why don鈥檛 they make posters that go this hard anymore
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling