Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
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Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs