*mops up wine with cat*
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[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?