Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
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I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
My circle of trust is a meatball
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Taking phone security to the next level.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?