Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
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NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.