Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
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I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
yall want some gasoline milk
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.