Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
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For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Living the best life.. 😊
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”