me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
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Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
[shakes fist at other fist]
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason