Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
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You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
welcome back
that colleague who touches your screen
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?