The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
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Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related