You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
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“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Yes, but it was never about money
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
i would wish you the best but i am the best