WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
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Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.