If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
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tis the season
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.