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Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.