“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
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Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.