Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
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I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.