Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
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[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Can’t. Being lazy.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away