[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
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[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man