DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
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[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
I’d rather go liquor treating.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*