*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
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Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
*exercises sarcastically*
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?