Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
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Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Scream sneezers need love too.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess