[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
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The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.