P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
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A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
I told my vodka about you.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white