January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
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My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Here’s a meme
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.