Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
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back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.