Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
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therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun