me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
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If you breakdance you buy dance.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Lmfaoooooo
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
I put the p in pants.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..