As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
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I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.