If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
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ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together