Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
You Might Also Like
ugh not again
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
my first dose meeting my second
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.