If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
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The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.