i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
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Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
tell em, edith-anne
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!