Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
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You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?