I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
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Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
kevin is now a local weatherman
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.