If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
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What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
This is why I hate group projects
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now