*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
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HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Just say no
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist