Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
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Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.