Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
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When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
The devil.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
describing stardew valley
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk